6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
