it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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