Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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