I'm so fucking centered right now
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
