Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
