And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
