We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
