im drinking this country out of the recession.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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