I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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