Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
