Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Holy shit dude........stairs
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
