My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
