Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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