I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
