How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
