After last night, I could never be a politician.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
