just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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