I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
