apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
