dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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