not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
