I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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