I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
