im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
