just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i drank out of a bidet.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
