she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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