I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
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I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
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I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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