The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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