i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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