saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
