I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
