i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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