if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
