I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
