Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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