11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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