The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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