I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
