I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
