Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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