I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
