My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
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I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
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He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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