just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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