her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
