You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
