i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
