Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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