i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
