he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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