You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
