Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
