I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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