How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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