it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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