The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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