Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
