so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
