i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i used baking grease as lip gloss
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize