alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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